Well, but yeah, I mean I like shaving, but there are times…

You wish you still had…

Southern growth? Yes.

You could go for a merkin.

What’s a merkin?

It’s fake pubic hair.

A pubic toupee, really.

What?!

Yeah. It’s for when people who are lacking, want to feel oddly more modest with a bit of hair there.

I love it! A toupee for my bits!

I have to admit I am not a fan of them.

Why not? They sound terrific.

I think they’re hysterical.

They are, but in a bad way.

Awww, but why?

If you saw a man with a fabulous Tom Selleck moustache…

His moustache is “fabulous”?

Yes, yes it is.

Wow. I haven’t heard anyone talk about it in those words in a decade or two.

Then they are mistaken. For it is fabulous.

Uh-huh. But you were saying?

Simply that is you met a man with a fantastic moustache such as Tom Selleck’s, and then found out it was fake, wouldn’t you be upset?

I suppose so, sure.

Think of how that would anger you, as he tore off the fake moustache and stood there in all of his gleaming, smoothly shaven lipness.

You seem very angry.

I would be!

But does that relate?

Well, if someone had a merkin on and then took it off…

It is like cheating, dearling.

Cheating, really?

Also, doesn’t the Tom Selleck moustache allegory assume you like the moustache to begin with? I mean I don’t care if a guy has a moustache or not, right? So I wouldn’t really care.

But the lie! The lie is the thing.

So the implicit contract involved in body hair requires truth at all times?

It certainly does!

What if the merkin was done to look like Tom Selleck’s moustache?

On a man or a woman?

Either!

It would still be a lie.

But now you want to see a Selleck merkin.

I…

Oh man, who doesn’t?

Yes, that would be magnificent.

And now we have to work out your strange moustache fetish.