I have decided that I should get a tattoo.

What? Really?

I think so yes.

And what would this tattoo be of?

I’m debating between a giant monkey and a vacuum tube.

Those are in no way similar.

They are though!

How is that, dearling?

The giant monkey symbolizes King Kong, the thrust of exploration and the dangers of bringing the unknown home without proper study.

And the tube?

That, man, early computing was goofy and wonderful.

How is that the same thing?

Big monkeys are also goofy and wonderful?

So you want to get a tattoo of something goofy and wonderful.

I think so.

And where would this reside?

Maybe my shoulder?

Oh, please, honey, do not. This isn’t a strongman tattoo or a military thing. It would look ridiculous.

Well I didn’t want it on my back, that seemed a bit much.

You think?

My butt is right out.

Yes, I enjoy your buttocks as they are! No need to paint them like a baboon.

Or with a baboon.

That either.

Maybe if I got it on the back of a calf.

The tube maybe, it would fit. But the giant monkey?

Why not?

I would be forced to call you Monkey Legs for the rest of my life, and I do not wish to do so.

Oh but a vacuum tube would be fine there?

Vacuum Legs wouldn’t work, so you’d be safe.

Then maybe I’ll get that, a vacuum tube.

It would look a bit like a condom, though, no?

…

Yes. So maybe there is still time to think.

It could glow.

So can condoms.

Not like a vacuum tube!

Which is a shame. Really, we need steampunk condoms, do we not?

Made of brass and with gears glued to them? That seems both impractical and painful.

You have a point. Still there must be a way to do this.

But back to my tattoo…

Later. First steampunk condoms. Those will pay for all the tattoos you could want.

Well just hand out solid brass tubes and sell them as novelty items.

Oh I like it! But how will we size them?

Uhm. Not my department?

No, no, let us grab some of your test tubes and see if standard sizes will work for this!

How will we be…

Well, don’t put on pants, and let’s go to your workbench.

Oh lord. No!

They’ve been washed, no?

This is the kinkiest and most disturbing thing I’ve ever considered doing.

That’s a shame for another day, dearling. Now come along.

If this ends in an emergency room visit I will not be amused.

Oh I’ve been there for worse than this!

I don’t want to know.

Probably not. Come along!

I’d really rather not… Couldn’t we just use a measuring tape?

Fine! I thought it could be like Buck Rodgers, but fine.

How could this have been like Buck Rodgers?

You know, big glass space helmet and all.

Dear lord.

And look, his jetpack!

Hey, watch those! Sometimes, you are one twisted lady.

I prefer “fun loving.”

I prefer not getting parts of my anatomy stuck in glass tubes.

Aww fine.