I made a huge mistake.

Oh no. What happened?

Well, I was sick of internet comments.

Never read the comments!

I know, I know, but there are times one does, without thinking.

And always regrets those times.

It’s true.

So what did you do?

I wrote a program to deal with it.

You… wrote a program. To deal with… the internet?

Pretty much!

How does that even work?

Well, I gave it some thought and decided to make a program that would scan the internet and attached computers for people causing trouble or being dumb.

And then it exploded out of fear and too many results.

No, then it would simply disable their ability to connect to the internet.

That’s harsh. And illegal.

Illegal yes, but moral and just!

Uh-huh. So you wanted to be the Batman of the internet.

I didn’t want to be. But history chose me, I felt.

Riiiight. Anyway!

So I put in all sorts of parameters for behavior to watch out for: causing needless trouble, being purposefully stupid, harassing other users, and so on.

Because those wouldn’t catch the wrong people ever.

Well, I had a system of double and triple checks in place.

Yeah. But you turned it on, didn’t you?

I did.

And now the FBI would like a few words?

Oh no. It never got that far.

what did it do?

well it started scanning. And saw itself.

No!

Yes. So now I’m waiting for a new modem so I can get back online.

It decided you were messing with the internet and had to be stopped!

It would seem so.

That’s what you get. You can’t mess with the natural order of things, man.

I don’t think people who comment on Yahoo! news stories are the natural order of things.

And yet your special program that decides these things disagrees.

Stupid program.