I think I should buy a pet monkey.

They’re illegal to own as pets in NY.

Is that right?

Pretty sure.

Well that blows. I meant I hadn’t even decided what type of monkey to get.

What were you leaning toward.

Well there are monkeys and then there are monkeys, you know?

Not really.

All right, well, like, I was thinking of a chimp but…

But they aren’t monkeys.

What?

Chimpanzees aren’t monkeys.

That’s stupid.

They aren’t! Apes aren’t monkeys either.

They’re all monkeys.

No, they aren’t.

They’re all monkey-ish.

Monkey-esque, even. But not monkeys.

Who decided that? Where did that change? Was it when Pluto was made not a planet?

They were never monkeys. Promise.

I feel like my entire life is a lie, now.

It’ll be all right.

Will it, Daniel? Will it?

Uhm, yes?

You think you know monkeys, and then WHAM!, you find out they aren’t all monkeys.

I know it must be a shock to you.

Has anyone told them?

Uhm, who?

The not-monkeys! Has anyone let them know they aren’t monkeys? Because I don’t think they know.

I’m not sure how to even begin to answer that…

Do they know?

Nope.

We should tell them!

Just run up to chimps and shout “Hey! You! You’re not a monkey!” and then run away?

No that would be taunting. But still, they’re living a lie.

No, you were just living a mistaken thought. The chimps and apes are fine with it.

How do you know?

How did I know they weren’t monkeys? I know these things.

So, what now, you’re the monkey-whisperer?

Yes!

All right that’s the coolest thing ever.

Damn right.