Sven All right, the movie was good but, we should go get dinner.

Jake What are you in the mood for?

Sven Oddly enough, McDonalds.

Angry Jake Ew, what, no!

Sven Why not? I mean once in blue moon don’t you feel like eating utter crap like that?


Happy Jake Yeah, of course, which is why I don’t give in. I always regret it.

Happy Sven True enough. But still. It’s a craving.

Happy Jake What are you, ten? We can go to a real burger place.

Sven Not the same.

Jake Better.

Happy Sven Yes but not the same!

Jake Oh, lord, please deliver me from fast food.

Sven Worse yet I even have a specific craving.

Jake Mmm-hmm?

Sven I want the McSurf-n-turf.

Angry Jake The what now?

Happy Sven The McSurf-n-turf! It’s when you order a burger and a fish sandwich and then combine them.

Jake Like in one bun?

Happy Sven Exactly like that.

Jake It’s like you’ve found a way to make McDonalds even worse.

Happy Sven No! It’s good! Well. It’s… I mean not good because the food is terrible, but you know what I mean.

Jake No, I really truly don’t.

Happy Sven Oh come on! It’s good. The crunchy fish brick, the greasy meat brick…

Angry Jake I might be sick.

Sven Just because you can’t find it within yourself to be truly adventurous…

Happy Jake Shoving multiple sandwiches into your mouth at the same time isn’t adventure, it’s more like playing chicken with your internal organs. Don’t do it man.

Sven I really don’t see the problem here.

Jake All right. So you have the burger. Which tastes like greasy crap to begin with. Then you add this flash-fried brick of fake fish stuff that was breaded by someone who has never seen breading and smeared with something you only hope might be tarter sauce. So you take both and you rearrange them like deck chairs on the Titanic and you call it a good meal?

Happy Sven No, I don’t call it a good meal! I call it what I have a strange craving for!

Jake But to have that craving you must have tried it before. Ipso facto, man. Ipso. Facto.

Sven Well sure. Years ago a friend convinced me to try one. And it was better than that stuff tastes alone.

Angry Jake And I suppose you’d like it if I tried it?

Happy Sven You’re welcome to.

Angry Jake Pusher! That’s what you are! A pusher of messed up fast food combinations! I don’t know how you sleep at night.

Sven After eating that? I don’t sleep. I stay up all night regretting my existence.

Happy Jake Then why eat it?

Sven Because sometimes you do.

Jake No sometimes you do, I guess. I do not.

Sven So you never eat fast food?

Jake Not if I can help it, no. Never.

Sven Oh. So if you can’t help it? If evil monkeys drag you in and shove fries down your throat then you will?

Jake If I’m on a road trip or everything else is closed or something strange and unnatural like that happens, then sure. Sure. But otherwise, man, no way.

Happy Sven What if you were yelling and walking and ended up outside of a fast food place with someone who was going in and getting food while you were hungry?

Angry Jake …

Happy Sven Yeah.

Angry Jake I hate you a whole lot right now.

Happy Sven I know. Wanna try a McSurf-n-turf?

Angry Jake No!

Sad Sven Awwww.

Jake Shut up. Fine I’ll have your devil begotten food. But not mashed together. I won’t do that.

Sven Scared?

Jake Yup.

Happy Sven Fair enough! Want a shake, though?

Sad Jake Yup.

Happy Sven You really hate yourself a little right now, don’t you?

Sad Jake Pretty much.

Happy Sven You can drown that hate in fries and a shake!

Sad Jake I’m gonna punch you in the taste part of your brain, I think, later on.

Sven The tasty part of my brain? Now you want to eat brains?

Happy Jake No! The taste part! The part you taste with, not the part that tastes good!

Happy Sven What part of my brain tastes good? Weirdo!

Happy Jake Argh!