Did you hear about Maria?

No, what about her?

She has the H1N1 virus.

Pig flu?

Swine flu, but we don’t call it that any…

The anti-pig? The Dark Side of the Pig?!

Yes!

On the one side you have bacon.

All that is good and right in the world.

Exactly!

And on the other side, you have… flu.

And other evil pig things. Like, evil things that are named after or caused by pigs. None of which I can remember right now.

The Babe sequels!

The Babe sequels! and do you know why they’re so evil?

Because why in hell did we need more than one?

Ahhh you might think but no. See, just because it worked for the Muppets doesn’t mean it works for the pig!

That’s true! They did a movie in Manhattan way before the pig was in the city.

Probably with the sex in the city and the pig, even. I don’t trust that pig, I tell you what.

It isn’t like Charlotte’s Web.

That was a fine pig. Remember that story?

Kinda. The spider all befriends the pig because the pig has a lot of mud and flies swarm around the mud?

Right! So the spider is all “I’m'a be one fat and happy spider if I play along with this here pig.”

Yeah and then the farmer decides he can’t kill the pig because the pig can read.

Was it read? I thought it was do math? Whichever, yeah so the farmer is like “That’s one fine-ass pig.” and keeps the pig, using the money from the pig tour circuit to buy more pigs.

Making that one spider-pig…

Spider-pig?

Spider friendly pig.

Right!

Making him an Uncle Tom-Pig to the other pigs if you know what I mean.

Forty oinks and a troth?

Exactly!

What about the spider though?

The spider? Ate a lot of flies, I guess.

Fair. So all right. Uhm. Jacob?

Mark?

What were we talking about?

When?

The whole pig thing?

We were talking about evil pigs in movies.

No. Before that.

Oh! Right! Maria. She has H1N1.

Pig flu?

Swine flu, but we don’t call it that any… this is how we ended up at evil pigs. Right here. This is where we went wrong.

You’re right. So how is she?

Oh she’s good.

Isn’t she vegetarian?

Huh? Yeah. So?

So how’d she get sick eating bacon?!

What? no, are you… this, this is why we don’t call it swine flu. It has nothing to do with…

Oh I know, just messing with you.

Nice.

Thanks!

So wait. How many Babe movies were there?

There was Babe. Babe 2: Pig in the City. Babe 3: Outbreak.

Outbreak?

Yeah the pig releases a poison gas onto the farm by mistake and has to save everything. I think there was a fourth.

I think you need serious help.

Or IMDB.

No. I… whatever. I’ll be over here, not making up movies with pigs in them.

Suit yourself.