Sometimes I watch those videos of the animated singing rodents and such and…

Animated singing rodents? You mean The Chipmunks?

Sure.

Alvin? Simon? Theodore? They aren’t just singing rodents! They’re cultural icons!

Whichever. I just find myself saddened by the fact they aren’t real.

Why do you want the Chipmunks to be real?

Imagine it! Little rodents…

Chipmunks.

Yes, singing in squeaky little voices! The horror. Oh, people cheer them now, but if they were real? We would shoot them on sight.

And you wish… that would happen?

It is getting close to the holidays, Melina.

I know! So exciting!

And soon it will start.

What will start?

Christmas, Christmas time is here…

Time for joy and time for cheer! YAY! Chipmunk carols! They’re so… oh.

Yes.

Hate them that much, huh?

Oh yes.

Why?

they’re just so… high-pitched. And they wear stupid turtlenecks.

You hate them because of their shirts?

It’s part of why, certainly!

You are such a kook!

I am not a kook. I mean look they each wear a color-coded shirt with their initial on it, as if they were twins and yet they look wildly different.

All right…

No it is not all right! It is utterly idiotic!

It’s for kids.

Ahhh! Yes the old defense that it is for kids. There are many things that are for kids that I do not hear on the radio during the holidays.

Well but you hear the Grinch. The Grinch is for kids. This is the same thing. Some songs are just classics and so they get airtime.

The Grinch song is not full of squeaking and stupid shirt wearing rodents.

You identify with him, don’t you?

When I have to hear those rodents I certainly do.

Were you touched in a bad place by a chipmunk?

No!

I mean, because if you were, I’d understand. I wouldn’t make fun of you. This can be a safe place for you, Sven.

I wasn’t molested by rodents!

I really will understand, Sven. Strange things happen to us all. There is no shame in admitting it.

I wasn’t molested by rodents!

All right, Sven, you take you time. I know you’ll have to come to grips with this at your own pace, but I’m here for you.

What is wrong with you?

Nothing! I wasn’t molested by chipmunks at least. Unlike some people I can name.

You’re cracked.

I’m just happy. You know why?

No, why?

Christmas, Christmas time is here! Time for joy and time for cheer!

Must you? In a squeaky voice no less?

Uh-huh!