I can’t decide.

Can’t decide what?

If I love Outback or hate it.

Outback? The restaurant? There’s an Outback in New York?

On 6th and like 23rd? Yeah.

Holy crap, who knew!

Me. But yeah I can’t decide.

You hate it.

I do?

Well besides the fact that it is filled with that strange American obsession regarding Australia…

It isn’t strange!

All right, explain it to me.

We’re British castoffs, really. So are they! Except they’re cooler, they didn’t run away they got dumped as a prison thing.

You have to give the British credit for that, too. How many other countries have decided to use an entire continent as a jail?

Truly impressive.

Hell yeah.

But that’s why we love them. They’re like our cooler brother that got pinched for smoking pot.

All right, I don’t think that’s quite right but sure, anyway.

No, you were telling me why you hate, no, why I should hate Outback.

You live in New York! You need to go to a chain restaurant? For steak?

Well that’s part of why I am conflicted, yeah.

But?

That damned onion thing.

The … what is it?

Bloomin’ onion.

Catchy.

For serious.

Also disgusting. A giant fried onion thing?

They make the dip out of crack cocaine, sir.

I buy that.

But it is so bad and yet so delicious.

So you had one?

No. It looks ridiculous to scarf one by yourself.

They do need to make a more acceptable version of that thing. Smaller than a baby would be a good start.

Although if they made it look more like a baby I would be totally in!

Yes! That’s it! Let’s start a new chain restaurant. We can call it Cannibals. All the food will be shaped like people.

Genius!

“I’ll have the fat looking guy steak. No I’m not that hungry, I’ll just have the anorexic model steak.”

Finger sandwiches suddenly make so much more sense.

Right? Come to Cannibals when you’re so hungry you could eat your neighbor!

Cannibals – get your meal man sized!

Imagine! We could have a religious one where everything was shaped like Jesus!

Uhm, won’t people get mad?

Why? They throw a party if you find a piece of toast with a burn that looks like it might, if you squint while rolling your eyes and getting stabbed in the ear, look like Jesus.

But that’s all accidental!

So? This would be on purpose! Showing the adaptability of man and the amazing technical skills God has given us!

It takes amazing technical skills to make a burger look like Jesus?

To get the ketchup right in the stigmata? That takes skill, my friend.

I think you might be drifting off point for the restaurant here…

Everything could be Jesus shaped though! Except the sides. We’ll have twelve sides orders. You know?

And thirty cent specials?

But only if you pay in dimes, yeah, you get one side order for thirty dimes.

We’re going to hell.

Rich people hell, if we do this! And rich people, as we all know, have a much better hell.

Really?

Mmm-hmm, like normal hell is an endless Kenny G concert. Rich people hell is an endless Kenny G concert where he also gets the crap beaten out of him between songs.

Just that bit of joy in an otherwise bleak eternity.

So you know it!

Yeah, it’s like some of our conversations.

…

Oh snap!

…

AHAHAHAHAH!

HAHAHAHAHAH! Yeah it is.