I’ve never understood elevator music.

What’s to understand? It sucks. Do you need to know why it sucks? You know why it sucks?

Because it’s sucky?

Because it’s sucky.

Yeah but I mean, I know it is bad, but why is it… what it is?

Bad?

Sure but also just so bland.

Instrumental versions of various supposed hits don’t do it for you?

Oh yeah they turn me on.

I always knew there was something off about you.

But come on, it’s muzak. And muzak exists to try and make us calm.

Is that the point?

Of Muzak? Yeah it’s designed to be easy to listen to and non-distracting. But also relaxing, slowed down and all that.

Huh. Tricky.

Yeah, so my question is why do we need calming down to ride an elevator?

Or to shop!

No, shopping I get, shopping is, like, stressful. You take kids with you, you really want that last jar of peanut butter, sure. But an elevator? What’s the longest you’ve ever been in an elevator? Not stuck, but I mean one ride, on to off?

I dunno. A minute? Maybe three?

Exactly!

Two hours.

See that’s what I’m… what?

Two hours? Was the elevator to the moon? Spaceavator? SPACE INVADERS!

It was not a spaceavator.

SPACE INVADERS!

Normal elevator.

What did you do? Just ride it up and… wait is this the Empire State one?

If that trip took two hours can you imagine how many tourists would start shooting? No, and oddly enough I’ve never heard elevator music on that trip, which would be the longest elevator trip I’ve taken…

Except it’s broken up into two trips and you spent two hours once. So it loses twice.

It does.

So why did you ride to the moon in an elevator?

You know how it is. Just end up on an elevator and wonder how long until you get bored.

I have never, ever, wondered that. And I wonder strange things, sweetie.

I gotta say I never considered it but now I think I want to know.

It’s interesting. Don’t bring a book, just stand in the back of the elevator and whenever someone gets on and hits a floor make sure you’ve hit one higher.

And when someone else gets off at the top floor?

Just stay there. Look at your watch. Hit the basement.

No one minds? Security doesn’t care?

They didn’t seem to. I’m sure they thought I was crazy but come on, I was just riding an elevator.

Still!

Naw.

Where was this elevator?

Citicorp building.

The big atrium place thing?

Totally the big atrium place thing.

That place is nifty! They used to hold the Rube Goldberg competition display there!

Yeah! That was awesome!

So you just rode the elevator there for two hours?

Yeah. And the music didn’t keep me calm. I was already calm, I guess but the music was just there.

Your personal crazy does not invalidate a theory, Jake.

Awwww.

Sorry!

Does my crazy invalidate theories?

Nope.

How about peanut butter?

Yes. Your crazy invalidates peanut butter. What does that even mean?

I dunno.