I think it is time for Coke to drop the classic moniker. No one remembers, at this point. A generation has grown up unaware of New Coke. It is time.

I miss Pepsi Clear.

You drank Pepsi Clear?

It was both of the clear variety and had the strangeness of taste. Very strange. Which is…

Why you liked it?

Truth’s. But dearling, you did not enjoy the Pepsi Clear?

No, I was a fan of Jolt or 7-Up Gold, all the precursors to today’s energy drinks.

How can you drink those sickening little canned things?

They keep me going around hour twenty, you know?

Coffee does as well.

And it takes more time. No, when I’m bent over a workbench at three in the morning I don’t want to stop to brew a pot of coffee.

When I’m bent over a workbench at three in the morning, dearling, I don’t want to make coffee either. So I think ahead.

You? When do you … bend over a work… Natasha.

Hmm?

Bad.

Hmmmmmmm?

Anyway! I was just saying that I think, with the current state of the cola political landscape we can safely drop the classic logo off Coke.

You should write them a letter.

I have.

You have? Truth’s?

Mmhmm. More than once.

You are that crackpot they talk about in hushed tone.

I am not!

You are! Oh, look, they say to themselves, another letter from the crazy guy who demands we rename things according to his whims and his use of the phrase … uhhh … cola political landscape?

I haven’t sent that many letters!

More than zero?

Obviously!

Then it is far too many, dearling. Far too many. Now, what you need to do is … well this may be complex.

Yes?

Never mail them again.

If I were running a company I would value good input from all quarters.

Of course you would.

Well then?

That is why you do not run such a company.

Unfair.

And yet correct. Sven, the way the world works is not quite so simple. Now, you need to stop harassing those poor innocent interns that read and discard your letters. Turn your energy to something far more fulfilling.

Such as?

Oh, you are asking me? No, I have no answer there. I was simply suggesting you find one.

Oh.

Yes. Perhaps that slice of pie over there would be fulfilling.

I do not want pie.

Gaze upon it, do you see it?

Yes.

And you do not want it? Desire it? Long to taste it?

Nope.

Good. Because I have been eyeing that slice of pie all night. And now I shall consummate my pie lust.

I … should I leave you and your pie alone for a while?

If I say yes you will think bad things about me. If I say no you will think the same things only that I also want you to watch during them.

Hahahahah!

So … yes. Go do something else while I have this pie.

…

Yes, begone you dirty, dirty man. Stop watching us.

I need coffee.

Much better than an energy drink!

To scald my eyes out with.

And more versatile!