Oh man! Oh man! Oh man!

Melina? Everything all right?

Is everything all right? Look at her! She vibrates any more and we’ll have to sell her to Maytag.

Sell her to Maytag? Was that a spin cycle joke?

Yeah, not working for you?

Not really, but I’ll let it slide. Mel! Melly Mel Mel! What’s going on?

I just had the weirdest thing happen to me!

Weirder than the time you saw aliens?

Yeah!

Stranger than Elvis giving you a foot rub?

Which he totally did, I’m telling you he worked at that spa!

Sure thing, but this? Stranger? Bigger? Badder?

Better, faster, stronger?

More bionic?!

Yes!

Oh my lord, tell us.

Wait! Don’t tell us!

No?

We should guess!

A contest!

A contest!

No! But come on! Ha! Still! I wanna telllllll you!

No, now this becomes a game of wills, of strength and wit. A game that only I can win.

Yeah yeah, Marky Mark, go call the Funky Bunch and tell it to them.

You love that line don’t you?

I truly do.

Guess already so you can be dumb and not get it and I can tell you!

All right! For the bar tab!

You got a Hello Kitty tattoo on your ass!

Wrong! But plausible!

You saw a ghost!

No! That’s not funny! Ghosts are scary!

Also not real. Jacob, your serve, good sir.

Why thank you Mark, my good man. Mel, you got a pet. A surprise pet.

I did! I did!

Damn.

Foiled again?

Truly. Ah well, sir, drink up. So Mel, what is it? Don’t you have a cat?

Yes! But now I have a gecko.

Why did you get a gecko?

That’s the best part, someone gave him to me! This guy in my building was moving out, and he passed me…

And looked deep into your eyes and said “Pssst, wanna gecko?” Happens all the time.

Hahah no no no, he just couldn’t take the thing with him so he asked if I could, because you know it’s so cute and I was playing with it while he moved out.

Wait this guy was moving out and you sat there and played with his lizard?

Ye-ouch that sounds wrong.

Moving on…

Yeah, I mean he had guys to help and the poor thing looks so sad outside and…

You made it happy.

I did! So he said I could keep it and the tank and everything!

Do you know anything about taking care of geckos?

No, but I can learn. I bought a book on the way over to tell you.

Fair enough. So why is this that big, anyway? I mean, it’s a gecko.

Don’t you see? It’s a new thing to play with, a new creature to make happy, a new pet, something kinda cute, something new in any way, free, and it has a tiny tongue that flicks.

Some of those were just saying the same thing in different ways.

What’s your point?

None, I suppose, but all right, so if you know this much about Mel and why she would be this vibratingly happy why didn’t you guess a new pet?

Because he was going to go for a new dress!

I was?

Weren’t you?

Probably, though possibly new jacket.

Oooh! A new jacket! I could get something shiny! Or puffy! Or shiny and puffy!

Am I the only sane one here?

What brings that on, exactly? you think a dislike of shiny and puffy jackets makes you somehow saner than the rest of us? I dare to disagree.

No, just … I …

You don’t even know, do you?

No, sir, I don’t.

Then shut up and drink your beer.

I want a beer!

You have a lizard.

I can’t drink a lizard.

I can not argue with that.

I could but then we’ll be doing lines from Indiana Jones all night.

Worse yet, from Temple of Doom!

Not worth it. Mel needs a drink.

A non-lizard drink.

Hooray!